1.1.03-10:13pm

Dear Sean,
Thus begins a new year, a new project, with this missive. I ordered a pizza pie tonight for myself & am halfway through the next to last slice. I only have a pair of sweatpants that fit me. Eventually that must change. The President is urging Congress to reextend unemployment benefits, meaning more pizza pies & sweatpants for me—probably not a good thing, but it is. I’m missing my press and human contact, all the people I love & love me back.
xo dak

1.2.03-11:43pm

Dear Sean,
Everyday I am having cyber sex. Though not as much fun as regular, still fun. Even have had phone sex with a coupla girls, one of whom is going to come over soon, even though she has a boyfriend. Somehow, I am guilt free, perhaps the need for some sort of physical overwhelming all mores.
xo dak

1.3.03-9:51pm

Dear Sean,
I’m watching the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, the college football national championship game, on ABC. They, ABC & ESPN, have partnership w/college football, so this game, whenever referred to, is always prefaced by the word Tostitos. All stadium advertisements are Tostitos. Tostitos even unveiled a new commercial for a thicker gold chip—for heavier dips—replete w/ex-Doritos man Jay Leno. I have 3 bags of tortilla chips here, no brand, from Mexican restaurant.
xo dak

1.4.03-11:24pm

Dear Sean,
My belly’s real full right now, oodles of Chinese food in it. I need a cup of tea but don’t feel like making it. I haven’t cooked since losing job last April, ordering all meals, though, one week in May, I made brown rice and black beans. I didn’t eat all the brown rice & the pyrex container is still in the fridge.
xo dak

1.5.03-10:45pm

Dear Sean,
I’m still Jenny from the Block. really. always baffles me that line, how she still is homegirl, while far from it. I tend not to believe her. I got Brooklyn deep in me, though, so maybe she’s got the Bronx. My best friend was Darryl, and we’d play Epoc Baseball in my room, laying on the floor & machine pitching silver bbs to awaiting plastic bat.
xo dak

1.6.02-11:12pm

Dear Sean,
I was talking with this girl tonight & she was telling me about all the preparations involved in her going out tomorrow night w/her boyfriend—the clothes and makeup—and wondering how it is that women keep buying into all that, still, that beauty myth. I’ve always dug the low maintenance ladies myself.
xo dak

1.7.03-11:01pm

Dear Sean,
Avril Lavigne announced grammy nominees this morning—earlier on message to best friend Risa, I called it Gramminees—and she pronounced David Bowie wrong—Bow—e. Kids today, huh? Bizarre how the music corp.’s can basically make anyone ok a star. How in one record, at 18, she now has more nominations than all my favorite bands, combined, ever.
xo dak

1.9.03-4am
(really 1.8)

Dear Sean,
After cum from cyber sex with some 18 yr old college student—she is, we’ve talked on phone—I finish glass of milk, eat some pretzels. At folks’ house for first time in 3 months. My dad told me don’t come until I’m looking for a job, so I stopped coming until he relented.
xo dak

1.10.03-midnight
(really 1/9)

Dear Sean,
On ER an old man had viagra sex w/his young bride. I haven’t had sex in long time, since 3-way in March, a crazed Ketel one & oj night that led to a woman blowing another guy next to me while I watched, afore he lost his cherry, while I napped next to them.
xo dak

1.11.03-1:17am
(really 1.10)

Dear Sean,
We just had this debate about Jell-O, my parents mocking a friend of theirs who bought it pre-made rather than making it. I said you do the same thing with pudding, but they told me it’s different because Jell-O is much easier to make. “Nothing to it,” my dad said.
xo dak

1.12.02-3:30am
(really 1.11)

Dear Sean,
Hadn’t shaved for 3 months, had a real Grizzly Adams beard, a Paul McCartney Let-it-Beard, where the space between your cheeks & eyes begins to get covered, slowly, by hair, and then today, all off. A first step toward trying to emerge from all this, somehow.
xo dak

1.12.03-11:21pm

Dear Sean,
One of my favorite things about the internet is reading out-of-town coverage on out-of-town stories. When I was 10, the Cowboys beat the Broncos in the Super Bowl, & I sent a letter to the Dallas Morning News and a few weeks later the paper arrived, chock full of special sections.
xo dak

1.13.03-11:04pm

Dear Sean,
Last nite afore sleep, I mean this morning, googled u & read yr bio & saw yr pic & tried listening to yr archived stories but it wasn’t yr voice, so I closed real player and harrumphed. Tonight, two network shows based in Boston are watched.
xo dak

1.14.03-8:37pm

Dear Sean,
I’m going to see the new James Bond film in a few minutes with my friend Ian. We go see explosion movies together, buddy flicks, documentaries, hippie films. Not The Hours, too girlie for him, though I’m wanting to see it, in part, to fill my Claire Danes fix. Not enough of her cause of her in college. Boo Yale.
xo dak

1.15.03-11:17pm

Dear Sean,
I bought kosher gummies last night @ the CVS. They’re hard to find because most gummies have gelatin in ’em & I don’t want no animal in me candy. But the Jolly Rancher gummies are kosher, although the Jolly Rancher hard candy isn’t for some reason.
xo dak

1.16.03-11:10pm

Dear Sean,
The hamburgers my dad made for dinner are repeating on me. A lot of food is doing that lately. I wonder if it’s hitting against other food that is piling up in my body, unable to process itself. Dad fried the burgers because their oven died & the new one’s coming on Saturday. Maybe that was the problem.
xo dak

1.17.03-11:34pm

Dear Sean,
My stomach’s repeating again. It might be that I’m eating more meat in a week here than in 6 months in city, or may be the onions in the kasha varnishkas. Mom says onions in food, cooking w/them, that is, makes food spoil faster. So we’re always sure to finish the kasha varnishkas by the next day. Not sure ’bout the repeating, though.
xo dak

1.18.03-11:32pm

Dear Sean,
So tonight baked ziti & ice skating on the tv. My first crush on a famous person was Dorothy Hamill, February 1976, Innsbruck Olympics. She wore this pink outfit trimmed w/silver sequins. Her mother was the one who made it. I sent Dorothy a fan letter & got an autographed foto. I lost it & I still think about it.
xo dak

1.19.03-11:50pm

Dear Sean,
I’ve never read any Tolkien, not much of a fantasy reader, unless it’s like porn fantasy, in that case a-ok by me. But never watched the Star Treks either, except occasional Jeri Ryan gawking. (Is it Trekker or Trekkie by the way? I’ve heard both.)
xo dak

1.20.03-11:43pm

Dear Sean,
I have to pee so bad right now. I went to the garage to put food in the extra fridge my folks keep there and the cold, my asthma, and my awful shape combined to have me huffing air w/in two minutes, an exercise-induced asthma brought about by walking 200 ft total.
xo dak

1.21.03-11:53pm

Dear Sean,
I bought new pants today, a lot of fabric involved in their making. Now I’m almost ready to job hunt, though really nowhere near ready, but it must happen, right? Weird being aimless.
xo dak

1.23.03-1:36am
(really 1.22)

Dear Sean,
I watched American Idol tonight. Wonder what goes through people’s heads, these misperceptions of ability. Some, clearly, knew they were bad. But others slept out doors in cold for 5 days just to goof on themselves on TV. Criminy.
xo dak

1.23.03-11:30pm

Dear Sean,
I cooked pepper steak tonite. First cut up two onions in small pieces, put them in big pan w/a little oil. Then I cut up two green peppers in long strips. Later I cut up a few pounds of thin steak in small pieces. Later my father cooked it all up. My mom said the peppers should have gone in last so they didn’t get too soft.
xo dak

1.25.03-2:29am
(really 1.24)

Dear Sean,
There’s a bunch of Holocaust movies out now, but they’re all in English. It’s something that’s been bothering me lately, how all these flics feature American actors speaking in poor Polish accents. Hello! New word, subtitles.
xo dak

1.25.03-11:58pm

Dear Seanie,
Hope yr reading went well today; sure it did. I actually am thinking about going to one soon. Was feeling wistful surfing poetry last night—poetics list, ballback, poproj. Missing all that, them friends ’o mine.
xo dak

1.26.03-11:32pm

Dear Sean,
Super Bowl Sunday is a junk food holiday for me. My lineup: fish & chips from Arthur Treachers; pistachios; potato chips; pretzels; tortilla chips; goobers; hershey nuggets w/almonds; & chocolate licorice. Also onion dip & salsa. I’ve since made 3 diarreha runs. Go Bucs.
xo dak

1.27.03-11:58pm

Dear Sean,
In minutes it’s first ex-gf’s half b-day & i’m listening to an old Major Matt song called girlfriend. Weird, though not meant for this moment. Ah. Love, nowhere near me now, maybe never near me ’gain.
xo dak

1.28.03-11:15pm

Dear Sean,
Tonight was the night digital cable was meant for, 175+ channels of glory all to delightfully counterprogram this State of the Union. An hour of Bush speaking? No thanks. I’ll read the online transcript instead. Watched Happy Gilmore instead. That was about right.
xo dak

1.29.03-11:41pm

Dear Sean,
When we first moved to Long Island from Brooklyn an Arthur Treacher’s franchise just opened. We ate there a lot until the whole chain disappeared. Lo and behold it is back, as a small operation inside the big Nathan’s here. The fish are yummy, the chips, too. Me likey.
xo dak

1.30.03-11:45pm

Dear Sean,
The Chinese food by my folks in Long Island isn’t as good as by me in the city. They don’t offer any vegetarian dishes to speak of & never understand me when I explain to them how I want my dish cooked. It’s always ok, never wow.
xo dak

2.1.03-3:34am
(really 1.31)

Dear Sean,
VH-1 show on groupies tonight—supposedly Billie Joe from Green Day has a small penis. So I look for the websites that catalog the sizes & strengths & come up empty.
xo dak